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Monday, June 13, 2011

The Anita Blake 'Hit List' Drinking Game


I can't do it. I can't do another straight-up review of an Anita Blake novel . . . it's too depressing. I need alcohol to get through this, the 20th installment of a once-great series.

Let the alcohol poisoning begin!


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Drink When . . . you read this common phrase / description;
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* Someone's hair is `spilled around their shoulders' - 1 drink

* Someone's hair isn't just black, it's blue-black - 1 drink

* Somebody asks the conveniently open-ended question: `what do
you mean?' thereby prompting Anita to spout a long diatribe, explaining everything that's happening and happened in the plot up to this point, including everyone's private motivations - 1 drink

* Anita says: naked puppy piles OR naked kitty piles - 2 drinks

* Anita says that someone has `kitty-cat eyes' - 1 drink

* Anita describes Jean-Claude as being femininely beautiful, yet still utterly masculine and male - 1 drink

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Drink When . . . during one of the (many) sex scenes
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* Someone says; "so tight" or "so wet" or "so warm" while they have sex with Anita - 1 drink per term or CHUG! if someone says all three at the same time.

* Someone is so big that Anita straddles the line between pleasure and pain - 1 drink

* Anita says, "I screamed my orgasm into his mouth" - CHUG!

* Anita calls all genitalia `bits', because deep-down she's still a country-girl prude, aw shucks! - 1 drink

* Anita orders someone to "just shove it in!" - 1 drink

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Drink when Anita . . .
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* Anita calls the cachet of men in her life her `sweeties' - 1 drink

* Someone comments on Anita's stunning good looks, and Anita deflects by claiming such praise is `girly mind games' or she is paltry compared to the handsome men in her life - 1 drink

* Anita meets an attractive and powerful woman, who is dead by the end of the book- 1 drink

* A white middle-aged cop infers that Anita is a wimp/slut, and Anita takes the negativity in stride, claiming it's a `guy thing' - 1 drink

* Anita is reluctant to have sex with a stranger because, deep down, she is still a country-girl prude . . . but she soldiers on and has sex anyway (*ahem*, to feed the ardeur) - 1 drink

* Anita blushes (usually in the prelude to sex) and a man is utterly charmed by her naiveté and ability to still be embarrassed, aw shucks! - 1 drink

* A guy compliments Anita on her large breasts (to which she all but replies, "what? These old things? Aw, shucks!") - 1 drink

* Anita tries (unsuccessfully) to justify sleeping with a sixteen-year-old boy (nope . . . still fantastically creepy and inappropriate) - 2 shots

* Anita is accused of becoming `one of the monsters' she was sworn to kill - CHUG!

* Somebody (often female) challenges Anita's status as tiger queen or Nimir Ra, and claims that Anita cannot take an animal to call . . . resulting in an orgy - CHUG!

* Anita adds a new `sweetie' to her harem (reluctantly, of course) - CHUG!

* Anita has sex with a gorgeous stranger because the ardeur needs to feed and said guy is somehow down-trodden/outcast/misunderstood etc, but he appreciates Anita's blatant arousal of him (she likes me, she really likes me!) - CHUG!

* Anita gets a new scar that she doesn't care about because she has so many already and they're proof that she survived something nasty, plus she's not a girly-girl to care about how pretty she is - 1 drink, or CHUG! if Anita recounts the story of how she got the holy-cross scar on her arm to some poor, unsuspecting paramedic who just asked her if she wanted an Aspirin?

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Drink when Edward . . .
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* Anita calls Edward `good ol' boy Ted', and mentions that he wears a cowboy hat - 1 drink

* Edward wonders who would win in a fight-to-the-death between him and Anita, but doesn't live out his fantasy because they're friends - 1 drink

* Discussions about how Peter wants to be a stone-cold-killer, just like his step-daddy - 1 drink

* Edward mentions that he has modified his weapons - 1 drink

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Drink when Bernado . . .
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* Bernado or Anita mention that Bernado has a big dick - 1 drink, 2 drinks if either of them use the phrase `hung like a horse' (because his name is Bernado Spotted Horse. Get it?)

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Drink when Olaf . . .
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* Olaf does something utterly creepy, forcing Anita and Edward to threaten to kill him if he steps out of line . . . without ever actually pulling the trigger - 1 drink

* Anita muses to herself that one day Olaf will go too far and either she or Edward will have to kill him - 1 drink

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Drink when, as a reader you . . .
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* Don't have a clue who half of Anita's sexual `sweeties' are. Domino? Nicky? Bobby who? When did Anita have sex with a married guy? Huh? - 1 drink per man you can't remember reading about in previous books, but who is now a part of Anita's harem

* You grind your teeth and keep muttering `where are Jean-Claude/Nathaniel/ Asher/Jason/Micah/Richard?' - 1 drink

* You don't understand why Anita claims to miss all her sweeites so much, but doesn't even take five minutes to make a phone call home and say `hey!' - 1 drink

* You had such high-hopes for the Marmee Noir storyline, thinking that she could be the big-bad evil to turn the series around . . . only to have all your expectations dashed in one hurried and anti-climactic finale that basically ends in `happily-ever-after' - CHUG!

* You sigh and wonder whatever happened to vintage Anita Blake. The non-slutty ass-kikcker of yesteryear - 1 drink


11 comments:

  1. With such strict parametres I'll be drunk after first couple of pages :))) Thanks for a really good laugh, I needed it!

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  2. *sigh* I miss vintage Anita. Gave up on this series years ago.

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  3. This is awesome, I really don't know why I keep reading these books!

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  4. 1 drink per man you can't remember reading about in previous books, but who is now a part of Anita's harem

    This is my favorite! And so very true.

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  5. LMAO That was PERFECT!

    2 pages in and you are already falling off the chair drunk, no?

    I agree 100%!!!!

    sigh... its time we gave up, isnt it?

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  6. LOL! Blog-love at first read!
    Thanks for the laugh. It's funny because it's TRUE! :D

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  7. (((HIC!)) Dree chsatpers n, 'n 'M feelin' the brnu. I mean, BURN. LONG pas' time we give up, dam' straight.

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  8. This is seriously awesome. I've never read these books, but now I want to JUST SO I CAN PLAY THIS DRINKING GAME. :)

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  9. * You sigh and wonder whatever happened to vintage Anita Blake. The non-slutty ass-kikcker of yesteryear - 1 drink
    so true!! hilarious post :D I really do miss the original feel of the first few books.

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  10. What I didn't like was the ending - once Ms. Hamilton hit the climax, it was a very thin description and ending. After all the descriptions in the beginning thru the middle, she ended it too suddenly. It felt as though she got tired of writing. Very disappointing. I've read better endings from Hamilton.

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