‘Affliction’ Book 22 'Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter' series by Laurell K Hamilton

From the BLURB:

Micah’s estranged father lies dying, rotting away inside from some strange ailment that has his doctors whispering about “zombie disease.”

Anita Blake makes her living off of zombies—but these aren’t the kind she knows so well. These creatures hunt in daylight, and are as fast and strong as vampires. If they bite you, you become just like them. And round and round it goes…Where will it stop? Even Anita Blake doesn’t know.

‘Affliction’ is Book 22 in the Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter series.

I’ve given up on a lot of series. The Black Dagger Brotherhood series? Gave up. Got sick of all the otherworldly vampire women of unparalleled physical beauty. Gini Koch’s Kitty Katt series was still enjoyable, but just got a little too outlandish for me. Kitty Norville by Carrie Vaughn – kaput for me. Got the feeling that there was no end in sight and no over-arching story to thrill and hook me. One series that I gave up on a long time ago, was Laurell K. Hamilton’s Anita Blake Vampire Hunter series – that I loved in the beginning, but like many original fans I flamed out when it basically became a cheap erotica series with questionable consent. I bowed out in a big way, with a scorched-earth kinda-joke but also kinda-serious review of Hit List.

Well. That was 2011. Approaching the end of the decade I had a charitable moment of thinking *maybe* I should check back into the series (which has since gone on to Book 26, when I tapped out at Book 20). I thought maybe the series had realigned, course-corrected and I was just curious to see what these characters I once loved were up to.

Readers – I should have left well enough alone. I should have finished at the drinking-game, and closed the door on this series I’d given up on. Instead … I didn’t even get 100 pages into Affliction before I had to remove myself from the absurdity and injury of reading characters I once loved in such a degraded, disinterested and disastrous instalment.

I’m … I’m just going to show you the scene that made me tap out, put a nail in and then pour concrete on the coffin of this once-great series.

The only background you need is alluded to in the blurb – Micah is one of Anita’s permanent boyfriends, and one of two she actually lives with. She’s just been told that Micah’s estranged father is dying, and his mother has encouraged Anita to get Micah on a plane to come and see him one last time.

Anita goes into action-mode and starts coordinating flights, resources, etc…. she calls her other live-in honey, Nathaniel, to ask him to pack their bags, and this is their exchange;

‘I need some shirts that aren’t low-cut, okay?’ 

‘We love your breasts,’ he said, his voice holding that upward lilt that said he was smiling. 

I smiled. ‘I appreciate that, I even approve, but let’s not overwhelm his family with my assets the first time.’ 

‘Would I pack so that all that creamy goodness was on display in every shirt?’ he asked in that false innocent voice. 

‘Yes,’ I said, and laughed. 

‘I promise to pack some regular T-shirts, but most of your dressy tops are low-cut.’

'That’s because the plain silk shell blouses don’t lie right when I wear them,’ I said. 

‘They aren’t designed for someone with a triple-E cup, Anita. I didn’t even know that you could have that big a cup size and be as lean as you are without surgical help.’ 

‘Genetics is a wonderful thing,’ I said. 

‘Yay, genetics!’ he said with so much enthusiasm it made me laugh. 

‘I’ll pack so we’ll match but won’t embarrass Micah. Promise’.

I … I have no words for those words.

They are abysmal. And all the more insulting for what Anita Blake once *was* - an exciting and complex female superhero, frankly, in a paranormal-noir landscape of monsters masquerading as men. This series started out so interesting for being full of grey-areas and thrilling whodunnit’s … now it’s cheap, and nasty. Anita Blake isn’t a Mary Sue, she’s worse – coming across like a walking, talking example of a woman made for the male-gaze (in a series with a largely female fanbase?) and coming across like a cloying attempt to Make Men Like Me.

That’s what the above scene boils down to, for me – “look at my big boobs and little frame! Tee-hee!” She’s like a demented Betty Boop and it’s all the more saddening and maddening for the fact that Hamilton has increasingly alluded and aligned Anita’s life to her own.

I should have left well enough alone, it’s true. I’ve no one to blame but myself for dipping my toes back into this cesspool. I still own Books 1 – 10, which is about as much of the series as I’m willing to still claim pride in as a fan. But everything beyond that is a sad trash-fire that’s continuing to burn, inexplicably.

0-stars.

You get nothing. You lose. Good day, sir.

The Anita Blake 'Hit List' Drinking Game

I can't do it. I can't do another straight-up review of an Anita Blake novel . . . it's too depressing. I need alcohol to get through this, the 20th installment of a once-great series.

Let the alcohol poisoning begin!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Drink When . . . you read this common phrase / description;

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

* Someone's hair is `spilled around their shoulders' - 1 drink

* Someone's hair isn't just black, it's blue-black - 1 drink

* Somebody asks the conveniently open-ended question: `what do

you mean?' thereby prompting Anita to spout a long diatribe, explaining everything that's happening and happened in the plot up to this point, including everyone's private motivations - 1 drink

* Anita says: naked puppy piles OR naked kitty piles - 2 drinks

* Anita says that someone has `kitty-cat eyes' - 1 drink

* Anita describes Jean-Claude as being femininely beautiful, yet still utterly masculine and male - 1 drink

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Drink When . . . during one of the (many) sex scenes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

* Someone says; "so tight" or "so wet" or "so warm" while they have sex with Anita - 1 drink per term or CHUG! if someone says all three at the same time.

* Someone is so big that Anita straddles the line between pleasure and pain - 1 drink

* Anita says, "I screamed my orgasm into his mouth" - CHUG!

* Anita calls all genitalia `bits', because deep-down she's still a country-girl prude, aw shucks! - 1 drink

* Anita orders someone to "just shove it in!" - 1 drink

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Drink when Anita . . .

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

* Anita calls the cachet of men in her life her `sweeties' - 1 drink

* Someone comments on Anita's stunning good looks, and Anita deflects by claiming such praise is `girly mind games' or she is paltry compared to the handsome men in her life - 1 drink

* Anita meets an attractive and powerful woman, who is dead by the end of the book- 1 drink

* A white middle-aged cop infers that Anita is a wimp/slut, and Anita takes the negativity in stride, claiming it's a `guy thing' - 1 drink

* Anita is reluctant to have sex with a stranger because, deep down, she is still a country-girl prude . . . but she soldiers on and has sex anyway (*ahem*, to feed the ardeur) - 1 drink

* Anita blushes (usually in the prelude to sex) and a man is utterly charmed by her naiveté and ability to still be embarrassed, aw shucks! - 1 drink

* A guy compliments Anita on her large breasts (to which she all but replies, "what? These old things? Aw, shucks!") - 1 drink

* Anita tries (unsuccessfully) to justify sleeping with a sixteen-year-old boy (nope . . . still fantastically creepy and inappropriate) - 2 shots

* Anita is accused of becoming `one of the monsters' she was sworn to kill - CHUG!

* Somebody (often female) challenges Anita's status as tiger queen or Nimir Ra, and claims that Anita cannot take an animal to call . . . resulting in an orgy - CHUG!

* Anita adds a new `sweetie' to her harem (reluctantly, of course) - CHUG!

* Anita has sex with a gorgeous stranger because the ardeur needs to feed and said guy is somehow down-trodden/outcast/misunderstood etc, but he appreciates Anita's blatant arousal of him (she likes me, she really likes me!) - CHUG!

* Anita gets a new scar that she doesn't care about because she has so many already and they're proof that she survived something nasty, plus she's not a girly-girl to care about how pretty she is - 1 drink, or CHUG! if Anita recounts the story of how she got the holy-cross scar on her arm to some poor, unsuspecting paramedic who just asked her if she wanted an Aspirin?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Drink when Edward . . .

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

* Anita calls Edward `good ol' boy Ted', and mentions that he wears a cowboy hat - 1 drink

* Edward wonders who would win in a fight-to-the-death between him and Anita, but doesn't live out his fantasy because they're friends - 1 drink

* Discussions about how Peter wants to be a stone-cold-killer, just like his step-daddy - 1 drink

* Edward mentions that he has modified his weapons - 1 drink

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Drink when Bernado . . .

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

* Bernado or Anita mention that Bernado has a big dick - 1 drink, 2 drinks if either of them use the phrase `hung like a horse' (because his name is Bernado Spotted Horse. Get it?)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Drink when Olaf . . .

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

* Olaf does something utterly creepy, forcing Anita and Edward to threaten to kill him if he steps out of line . . . without ever actually pulling the trigger - 1 drink

* Anita muses to herself that one day Olaf will go too far and either she or Edward will have to kill him - 1 drink

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Drink when, as a reader you . . .

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

* Don't have a clue who half of Anita's sexual `sweeties' are. Domino? Nicky? Bobby who? When did Anita have sex with a married guy? Huh? - 1 drink per man you can't remember reading about in previous books, but who is now a part of Anita's harem

* You grind your teeth and keep muttering `where are Jean-Claude/Nathaniel/ Asher/Jason/Micah/Richard?' - 1 drink

* You don't understand why Anita claims to miss all her sweeites so much, but doesn't even take five minutes to make a phone call home and say `hey!' - 1 drink

* You had such high-hopes for the Marmee Noir storyline, thinking that she could be the big-bad evil to turn the series around . . . only to have all your expectations dashed in one hurried and anti-climactic finale that basically ends in `happily-ever-after' - CHUG!

* You sigh and wonder whatever happened to vintage Anita Blake. The non-slutty ass-kikcker of yesteryear - 1 drink

'Bullet' Anita Blake #19 by Laurell K. HAMILTON

From the BLURB:

The triumvirate created by master vampire Jean-Claude, necromancer Anita Blake, and werewolf Richard Zeeman has made Jean-Claude one of the most powerful vampires in the U.S. He's consolidating power in himself and those loyal to him, doing in America what Belle Morte did in Europe when she was at her height of power. She almost owned Europe, and there was those who are determined that Jean-Claude won't do the same in America. Jean-Claude's motives may be kinder, but as any lawyer will tell you: motives matter, but you're just as dead.

Assassins are coming to St. Louis to kill them all. Anita knows they're coming, but even being forewarned doesn't mean you can win.

At this point, I like writing reviews of Hamilton’s books more than I enjoy reading the books themselves.

So, is anyone really shocked that I think ‘Bullet’ sucked? Or that it’s currently standing with a paltry 2-star rating on Amazon.com?

‘Bullet’ was supposed to be all about Marmee Noir – the big, bad evil that’s been haunting Anita since book #14 ‘Danse Macabre’. But it takes a whopping 12 chapters before Marmee Noir is even mentioned. The previous 11 chapters are, - can you guess? – that’s right! Sex scenes! Eleven chapters of ho-hum sex. And a school dance recital thrown in for awkward measure. Sure, Marmee Noir makes an appearance and there’s a half-hearted attempt to make her into an interesting plot. But this is Laurell K. Hamilton we’re talking about. Take out the sex scenes and the character’s physical descriptions and what their clothes look like (seriously? Every time a character enters a room? We need to know that Micah has cat-eyes every time he makes an appearance?) and you probably have about 10 pages devoted to actual plot. Ten sloppily written, badly edited pages – with a lot of dialogue devoted to Anita saying; “what do you mean?” and “I don’t understand”, thereby prompting long diatribes in which characters can meticulously explain plot points that Hamilton wasn’t talented enough to communicate otherwise.

The sex is boring. It really is. Ms. Hamilton may think she’s writing blush-worthy erotica, but really it’s just soft porn - the likes of which wouldn’t even make hormonally imbalanced teenage boys sit up and take notice let alone veteran Urban Fantasy readers. Whenever someone criticizes Ms. Hamilton in interviews and questions her abundance of sex scenes, Hamilton goes on the defensive and calls those nay-saying readers ‘prudes’. It’s not that. Readers of the Urban Fantasy genre are okay with sex – hell; they even expect it and revel in reading it. When they criticize the over abundance of sex in Anita Blake, it’s more because there’s a lot of *BAD* sex scenes. Just plain bad writing. Hamilton repeats herself – from book to book, but sometimes paragraphs that are only 1 or 2 pages apart will have replica sentences. You could make a drinking game out of how many times the sentence “I screamed my orgasm into his mouth” appears in one Anita book.

Sloppy writing aside, the sex isn’t imaginative or in any way titillating. Ms. Hamilton may think that adding more people to a bed will increase the ‘wow’ factor, but when all those people are just humping away in missionary it remains mundane.
In ‘Bullet’ Jean-Claude *finally* has sex with someone other than Anita – and yes, it is Asher. But Hamilton doesn’t write their sex scene explicitly. She sugar-coats over it and summarizes without giving any juicy M/M details. Either because Anita is too narcissistic to describe J-C’s orgasm with anyone other than her, or Hamilton simply cannot write outside the heterosexual box?

Laurell K Hamilton either has a very hum-drum sex life herself, or else she doesn’t read Urban Fantasy to get an idea of how far sex in the genre has come. If I was Ms. Hamilton’s editor, I’d prescribe a bottle of Merlot, the Kings of Leon CD ‘Only by the Night’ and Jeaniene Frost’s ‘One Foot in the Grave’. Read it and weep.

Is it ironic or just plain pathetic that Laurell K Hamilton is resting on her laurels? There hasn’t been anything fresh about an Anita Blake book since ‘Narcissus in Chains’. Hamilton has explored (see; flogged the dead horse to a bloody pulp) all the wereanimal and vampire politics of St. Louis. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t more options for Anita and this series. There is so much that Hamilton hasn’t explored. Wouldn’t it be great if Anita went home? If we could get a glimpse of the woman she was before the Marshall job and vampire-hunting changed her. Before she became a nymphomaniac? There are so many unexplored avenues for Anita Blake that Hamilton seems almost stubborn in her refusal to write. Like Anita’s family, for instance. From book #1 we’ve learnt about Anita’s rocky family relationship, especially with her stepmother. But there’s been no mention of Anita’s pious and disappointed grandmother or her adoring stepbrother for books now. What if Anita were to bump into the College sweetheart she was engaged to but who ripped her heart out and left emotional scars that Anita is still healing? So many ‘what if’s’ that could save Anita and this series but are sadly not explored in ‘Bullet’- and because Hamilton is of such low writing calibre, probably never will be explored.

I laughed out loud a few times while reading ‘Bullet’, and not because Hamilton was being intentionally funny. Take this attempt at a simile (? Metaphor? Yeah, I don't know what she was trying to do here), so bad it’s not even good, just cringe-worthy;

“I cleaned up well, but Jean-Claude made me feel like I’d sneaked into the Louvre and stolen a masterpiece off the wall so I could roll around on it naked.”

Yikes.
Quite possibly the only positive thing to say about Ms. Hamilton is that she’s providing hope to any number of would-be authors. Surely any budding novelist who has read a recent Anita book thinks; “Well, if she can get published, so can I!”

There are so many inconsistencies in ‘Bullet’. For one, a character we met in ‘Blood Noir’ and was introduced as a lesbian in that book is now dating Jason. Laurell K Hamilton really should use a lexicon when she writes – though ideally it’s an editor’s role to provide said lexicon. But honestly I have infinite sympathy for Hamilton’s crew of editors – I don’t think she’d be the easiest person to work with, and I think her ego would get in the way of polishing her writing (if her blog posts are any indication). I would be shocked if she had even one editor who has been with her since ‘Guilty Pleasures’ – I just think she would be so awful and impossible to work with that Penguin would draw straws on who had to take on her latest manuscript.

Like I said at the beginning; by this point, I like writing reviews of Hamilton’s books more than I enjoy reading the books themselves. And really, when a reader gets more enjoyment out of mocking an author than reading them, you know something is seriously wrong.

0/5

To read or not to read? - PROMO - Anita Blake #19 'Bullet'

From the BLURB:

My name is Anita Blake and I am back in St Louis and trying to live a normal life - as normal as possible for someone who is a legal vampire executioner and a US Marshal. I have my lovers, my friends and their children, school programmes to attend. In the midst of all this ordinary happiness a vampire from my past reaches out. She was supposed to be dead, killed in an explosion, but the Mother of All Darkness is the first vampire, the dark creator, and it's hard to kill a god. She has reached out to me here - in St Louis, home of everyone I love most. She has decided she has to act now or never, to control me, and all the vampires in America.



The Mother of All Darkness believes that the triumvirate created by master vampire Jean-Claude with me and the werewolf Richard Zeeman has enough power for her to regain a body and to emigrate to the New World. But the body she wants to possess is already taken; I'm about to learn a whole new meaning to sharing my body, one that has nothing to do with the bedroom. And if the Mother of All Darkness can't succeed in taking over my body for herself, she means to see that no one else has the use of it, ever again. Even Belle Morte, not always a friend to me, has sent word: 'Run if you can …'

I said back in February that I was done with Laurell K Hamilton’s ‘Anita Blake’ series.

I went into ‘Flirt’, the Anita Blake novella (and unofficial 18th installment in the series) with sub-zero expectations. The same lowly outlook I’ve taken since the series nose-dived with book #10, ‘Narcissus in Chains’.

Hamilton did not fail to not disappoint. She once again delivered a smut-heavy, non-existent-plot, derivative novel. Hamilton’s recent installments have been made even worse by the lack of fan-favorite characters like Jean-Claude, Asher and Richard Zeeman (no matter how douchey he’s become) while random boy-toy secondary-characters have been added to Anita’s harem… turning the series into a convoluted mess of second-rate mysteries and unnecessary erotica (‘so tight, so wet’…so *yawn*).

But amidst the tired sex, chronic descriptions of character physicality’s and deflated mysteries, there was one bright spark. One plot-arc with the potential to pull Anita out of her slump and return this series to within an iota of its former glory. Marmee Noir.

Marmee Noir (the Mother of All Darkness, the first vampire) was introduced way back in book #14, ‘Danse Macabre’ when she started appearing to Anita in dreams…. She was drawn to Anita’s necromancy, the pull she had over Jean-Claude and his cachet of vampires. In Anita, Marmee Noir saw reason to wake from her millennia-slumber.

Truthfully the only reason I read books 15–18 was in the hopes that Marmee Noir’s storyline would be developed. It was, sometimes, but only in drips and drabs and always playing second fiddle to the more contrite ‘whodunnit’ plot arcs (and sex, so much sex). Marmee Noir is in fact only mentioned in ‘Danse Macabre’, ‘The Harlequin’, ‘Blood Noir’ and ‘Skin Trade’.

Honestly, the main reason I like the character and potential plot of Marmee Noir is because it feels like the perfect conclusion to this flailing series. Not only a conclusion…but a BANG to end ‘Anita’ on, rather than the whimpering of recent novels.

Marmee Noir feels epic enough that it could, plausibly, span several books and draw-out the end of Anita Blake.

And really, I can’t see any reason to continue the series once Marmee Noir’s arc is finished. Where do you go once you’ve had the ultimate villain in the first vampire? (for all you Buffy aficionados, think ‘The First’ in the seventh and final season of the show).

So, having read the blurb for book #19 ‘Bullet’, I find myself silently bargaining with Anita Blake/Ms. Hamilton. I will read this book (despite promising myself otherwise). I will give Anita one last chance. I will hope that Laurell K Hamilton appreciates the awesome potential of Marmee Noir and writes to the best of her ability (and that her editors feel brave enough to suggest she goes easy on the erotica).

I will read ‘Bullet’ and that will dictate whether or not Anita and I continue our reading relationship.

But this is it. The last stand. Guns draw at dawn. The point of no return.

Urban Fantasy MOVIE adaptations

With the release of the new Twilight trailer for 'Eclipse' I got to thinking about how much the Urban Fantasy genre has blown up. There are so many great movie/TV/graphic novel adaptations going on - the genre is really branching out into different forms of New Media. So I thought I'd do a little post updating you on what's coming, what's cancelled and possible future endeavors.... Enjoy!

Melissa Marr:

It was announced last year that the first book in Melissa Marr’s ‘Wicked Lovely’ series would be coming to the big screen.

Many in Hollywood believe Marr’s project was chosen to compete against the adaptation of Aprilynne Pike’s book ‘Wings’, which has confirmed Miley Cyrus for the lead. Both books are aimed at the YA audience. Both are about fairies, which is tipped to be the ‘next big thing’ after vampires for 2011.

‘Wings’ will be made by Disney, and is being produced by the same team who made ‘Twilight’ (Marty Bowen and Wyck Godfrey). ‘Wicked Lovely’ has no cast as yet, but is being adapted by Universal Pictures. Both have a tentative 2011 release date – and I wouldn’t be surprised if they went head-to-head to battle it out at the box office.

Patricia Briggs:

In 2008 the ‘Mercy Thompson’ books were optioned to 50 Canon Entertainment. 50 Canon created TV show ‘Huff’, but they’ve also done movies such as ‘Four Weddings and a Funeral’. It’s unclear whether the ‘Mercy’ series was optioned with the intent of turning them into movies or a TV show.

Since 2008 nothing has come of the contract. It might just have been a case of 50 Canon hedging their bets. At the time ‘True Blood’ (adaptation of Charlaine Harris’s ‘Sookie Stackhouse’ series) hadn’t hit our TV screens, so maybe they bought the ‘Mercy’ rights and then waited to see how ‘True Blood’ fared.

Since the HBO success, 50 Canon may have decided not to compete against such a high-rating show, or they could be waiting to see how audiences respond to the werewolf storyline of season 3….

Also at the time of the contract, Briggs’s comic book adaptation of her series hadn’t hit shelves. ‘Homecoming’, the first ‘Mercy’ comic by Dabel Brothers, came out last year to an underwhelming fan response. This could have impacted 50 Canon’s decision to adapt, but it’s highly doubtful.

The contract between Briggs and 50 Canon was rumoured to be in the six figures (if, or when, they decide to adapt). So regardless of whether or not the adaptation gets a green light this was a huge coup for Briggs professionally.

I, personally, think that the ‘Mercy Thompson’ books would make a great TV show… but at the same time I feel very precious about the series and would want it to be done *just* right.

Laurell K. Hamilton:

Last year Hamilton announced on her blog (with much ego-stroking) that her ‘Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter’ series was being bought to the small screen by IFC (independent film channel).

I was actually really excited for ‘Guilty Pleasures’ (the first book in the Anita Blake series) to be adapted. Hamilton’s first books in the series were great (it all went downhill around about ‘Narcissus in Chains’) and I think they would have made for a really entertaining mini-movie.

Unfortunately the deal with IFC fell through, rather disastrously.

Ms. Hamilton told fans about the no-go ‘Anita’ movie back in November 2009. She posted this rather quizzical statement on her blog: “It has been frustrating watching other shows in the genre I pioneered go on the air while we didn’t, but in the end I believe most things happen for a reason. I would rather have no television show than a bad one.”

Fans have been left to speculate about this cryptic blog post. It’s pretty obvious that there was some sort of creative difference going on between Hamilton and IFC.

And her reference to ‘other shows’ being made from adaptations – she can only mean Charlaine Harris’s ‘True Blood’. Maybe it stuck in Ms. Hamilton’s craw that Ms. Harris got HBO while she was stuck with IFC? Who knows? All we know for sure is that an adaptation of vintage Anita Blake is probably never going to happen now. If Hamilton was ‘difficult’ to work with, chances are other movie production companies will follow in IFC’s footsteps and not touch her.

Hollywood’s a big damn pond, and authors are small fish – especially when the Urban Fantasy genre has blown-up and there are plenty of possibilities for adaptation.

Charlaine Harris:

Ms. Harris has said in numerous interviews that she was quite surprised that, of all her books, it was ‘Sookie Stackhouse’ that was made into a TV show. She always thought that ‘Harper Connelly’ was more screen-friendly, and a more likely choice for adaptation.

Well since 2008 ‘True Blood’ has been going from strength to strength, and has regained HBO’s status as the premier network (not since ‘The Sopranos’ have ratings been so high). So it’s no wonder that people are sniffing around Harris’s other work.

It was recently announced that Harris’s ‘Harper Connelly’ series was being adapted into a graphic novel. ‘Dynamite Entertainment’ bought the rights to the 4-book series – which is about a young woman who can ‘sense’ the dead and see the last moments of a deceased’s life.

There’s no release date as yet, but it’s likely the graphic novel will come out late 2010, or early 2011.

This might just be the first step before turning the ‘Harper Connelly’ books into a movie or TV show. No doubt the media will be abuzz over this adaptation, purely because of Charlaine Harris’s recent fame with ‘True Blood’ and the ‘Sookie’ books being a staple of the New York Times Bestseller’s list. If the comic book gets enough hype, I wouldn’t be surprised if a production network snaps up the movie/TV rights.

I, for one, would love to see a big/small screen adaptation of this series. All of Charlaine Harris’s series’ are great, and deserve as much attention as ‘Sookie Stackhouse’ – but I have a particularly soft spot for the brilliant ‘Harper Connelly’.

Kelley Armstrong:

Back in 2004 Armstrong’s ‘Bitten’ was sold to Warner. Bros and several screenplay drafts were written. Angelina Jolie was even rumoured to star.

Since then the contract has run out and Warner. Bros decided not to renew. That means another production company could try and buy the movie rights, but Ms. Armstrong has advised fans not to hold their breath.

Bummer.

Maggie Stiefvater:

September last year Ms. Stiefvater broke the happy news on her livejournal.

Her ‘Wolves of Mercy Falls’ trilogy has been picked up for movie adaptation. It’s being made by ‘Unique Features’.

No news yet about casting or release dates – but I think the movie will be a sure thing. Werewolves are so hot right now; the YA/tween audience cannot get enough of Taylor Lautner.

‘Shiver’ will be like a “what if Jacob got Bella in the end?” to satisfy all those who weren’t in the ‘Team Edward’ camp.

‘Shiver’ is a gorgeous book and absolutely deserving of this happy news!

Kim Harrison:

In July 2009 Kim Harrison announced that her series 'The Hollows' was going to be adapted into a Graphic Novel by Del Ray. Ms. Harrison is actually writing the script herself, so expect plenty of that snappy dialogue and dry wit that we've come to love.

The novel will be told from Ivy's POV (*squee!*) and is set around the time of her 'Hollows' novella in 'Dates From Hell'. And Kisten is still alive (*SQUEE!*).

The 8th 'Rachel Morgan' book was released this month (to much success, of course) and the Graphic Novel is tentatively scheduled for a fall 2010 release (could possibly turn into a 2011 release though). The artist is Pedro Maia and Ms. Harrison has posted some (very rough) sketches on her blog.

The graphic novel looks and sounds great so far. I especially like the idea of it being told from Ivy's POV - hopefully we'll learn a lot more about the 'behind the scenes' of the vampires and their politics. And I think it will be great to get into Ivy's psyche and maybe discover when her feelings for Rachel changed.

I think the 'Rachel Morgan' series is one of the best Urban Fantasies out there. Hands down. Brilliant. But I think a movie/TV adaptation would be very hard, if not impossible to accomplish. The world is so intricate and there's so much back story... I don't know that such a screen adaptation would be possible. But a graphic novel is just the right kind of new media for Ms. Harrison. It allows her to work closely on script and visualize her 'Hollows' world without constraint. Fantastic!

'Flirt: Anita Blake Novella' by Laurell. K. HAMILTON

From the BLURB:

When Anita Blake meets with prospective client Tony Bennington, who is desperate to have her reanimate his recently deceased wife, she is full of sympathy for his loss. Anita knows something about love, and she knows everything there is to know about loss. But what she also knows, though Tony Bennington seems unwilling to be convinced, is that the thing she can do as a necromancer isn't the miracle he thinks he needs. The creature that Anita could coerce to step out of the late Mrs. Bennington's grave would not be the lovely Mrs. Bennington. Not really. And not for long.

This is bad. Just, bad. So bad, in fact, that this will be the last Anita Blake book I buy. To be honest, I’m shocked that I’ve depleted my wallet and toughened the series out this far. From now on I’m either chucking in the towel and never reading another ‘Anita’ book, or relying on library loans.

‘Flirt’ is just one big ego-trip. It may as well be one of Ms. Hamilton’s blog posts for its pointless narcissism.

‘Flirt’ has 171 pages. But in actuality the Novella is 158 pages, and in a bout of truly worthless ego stroking, Hamilton has included a 13-page ‘afterword’. In this afterword Hamilton answers the question ‘where do I get my ideas?’ and then proceeds to detail an incident from her life when a waiter serving herself and her (apparently very attractive) friends became distracted and stuttering. Hence her idea for ‘Flirt’ – and incase Hamilton’s recount of these events isn’t enough to convince you of her awesome flirtation prowess, she’s also included a 10-panel comic strip.

Oh. My. God. Somebody deflate this woman’s ego, pronto!

It’s all well and good to read Hamilton’s blog posts and point and laugh at the self-absorbed world she lives in, but when you fork out approx US$20.00 for her hardback you really resent having to pay for the privilege of reading what she blogs for free.

Most authors would have rewarded loyal fans and made ‘Flirt’ a FREE online novella – but that’s too generous for Hamilton.

At this point the ‘Anita Blake’ series has nothing worthy to offer. The stories are flat and uninventive. Hamilton’s books are the literary equivalent of porn, with weak storylines that sluggishly move the characters toward derivative and repetitive sex scenes. This has been the case since ‘Narcissus in Chains’, when Anita’s ardeur made it necessary for her to have multiple sexual partners and participate in orgies at inappropriate moments. And it happens again in ‘Flirt’ – only this time it’s worse. Anita doesn’t just have sex with a stranger in this novella, she has sex with a stranger who has kidnapped her and threatened her lovers. So of course her response is to fuck his brains out. Of course. Totally reasonable and not at all disturbing.

I was willing to give ‘Flirt’ a chance because Hamilton’s previous novella, ‘Micah’, was bearable. I don’t mind Micah as a character (despite the fact that he’s as boring as a plotted plant) and I thought ‘Flirt’ would be half-decent if it was about one of Anita’s men who still peaks my interest. Nathaniel. Jason. Jean-Claude. Richard, etc. But while ‘Flirt’ does have Nathaniel, Micah and Jason making cameos, the novella is about Anita and random male were-lions who Anita sees fit to add to her cadre.

Anita was once an original and kick-ass heroine. She was also a walking contradiction – a tough-as-nails Marshall/Necromancer whose personal morals were a guiding light in the seedy supernatural underbelly of St. Louis. Now she is a cardboard cutout of her former self. This is made abundantly clear in ‘Flirt’ when Anita rehashes old personal issues – like the fact that she is annoyingly modest about her beauty because she thinks herself to be the ‘black sheep’ in her blonde-haired-blue-eyed family. And that her college fiancée dumped her because she wasn’t blonde-haired and blue-eyed, which left Anita with poor self-esteem (but something tells me her multiple beautiful bed partners is fixing that little confidence problem). Sound familiar? That’s because it is. In every ‘Anita’ book we manage to get a page or two recounting why it is Anita is so utterly beautiful but completely unaware of it. And as we do in every ‘Anita’ book, our flagging heroine also gives extensive (and pointless) descriptions of what Nathaniel, Jason and Micah look like.

The same way Hamilton repeats her sentences, especially in sex scenes (‘so tight, so wet’, ‘so hard, so eager’) she has reverted to repeating huge chunks of paragraphs by re-hashing physical descriptions and Anita’s romantic history.

Hamilton’s agent and editors need to take off the kid gloves when dealing with her. Hamilton needs a swift kick up the butt and for someone to explain why it is her readers are disillusioned with this once great series. And for the love of God, can her editors please explain to Ms. Hamilton that by book #18 her readership does not need yet another description of Nathaniel’s purple ‘Easter egg’ eyes or Micah’s short but muscled stature.

The ‘Anita’ series looked to be taking a turn with recent books introducing uber-villain ‘Marmee Noir’; the mother of all vampires. This is a promising storyline, but I really don’t think Hamilton is good enough to follow-through. Her kick-ass protagonist who once single-handedly faced down the Vampire Queen of St. Louis is a shadow of her former self. The storyline isn’t progressing and her character isn’t evolving. Each new ‘Anita’ book is just an excuse to write the same-old sex scenes, and Hamilton is too narcissistic to absorb reader complaints and save her series. I’m done. ‘Flirt’ is the end of the road for me. Maybe I will pick up her next (full-length) Anita book ‘Bullet’, but I won’t be paying for it and I won’t expect much.

0/5

'Divine Misdemeanors' by Laurell K. HAMILTON

From the BLURB:

You may know me best as Meredith Nic Essus, princess of faerie. Or perhaps as Merry Gentry, Los Angeles private eye. In the fey and mortal realms alike, my life is the stuff of royal intrigue and celebrity drama. Among my own, I have confronted horrendous enemies, endured my noble kin's treachery and malevolence, and honored my duty to conceive a royal heir - all for the right to claim the throne. But I turned my back on court and crown, choosing exile in the human world - and in the arms of my beloved Frost and Darkness.

While I may have rejected the monarchy, I cannot abandon my people. Someone is killing the fey, which has left the LAPD baffled and my guardsmen and me deeply disturbed. My kind are not easily captured or killed. At least not by mortals. I must get to the bottom of these horrendous murders, even if that means going up against Gilda, the Fairy Godmother, my rival for fey loyalties in Los Angeles.

But even stranger things are happening. Mortals I once healed with magic are suddenly performing miracles, a shocking phenomenon wreaking havoc on human/faerie relations. Though I am innocent, dark suspicions of banned magical activities swirl around me.

I thought I'd left the blood and politics behind in my own turbulent realm. I had dreamed of an idyllic life in sunny L.A. with my beloved ones beside me. But it becomes time to wake up and realize that evil knows no borders, and that nobody lives forever - even if they're magical.

This is the 8th book in Laurell K Hamilton’s ‘Merry Gentry’ series.

Ever since ‘Narcissus in Chains’ (Anita Blake #10) I have preferred Hamilton’s ‘Merry’ books to ‘Anita’. At least in the ‘Merry’ books all the erotica, orgies, BDSM etc is legitimized by Merry and her men being Sidhe (fey) who are a very sensual, sexual species. Plus it was essential to the storyline that Merry have as much sex with as many of her men as possible – since she was in a race to make an heir and be crowned Queen of the Unseelie (fey) court. All the sex was for a legitimate reason – versus Anita’s sudden downward spiral into sluttiness, despite being a morally upright character prior to book #10.

So, I am a fan of Hamilton’s ‘Merry’ books. But to be honest I thought the series could have happily concluded with book #7, ‘Swallowing Darkness’, because a huge story ARC was wrapped up nicely. I was a little cautious going into ‘Divine Misdemeanors’ because I couldn’t really gauge where Merry’s story would go since so much was concluded in the previous book.

I was right to be wary.

‘Divine Misdemeanors’ flounders from page one. Merry is back to being a Private Detective and the opening chapter has her consulting on a crime scene. Once upon a time Laurell K. Hamilton could masterfully mesh science and crime fiction – she was at the top of the Urban Fantasy genre with her ‘Anita Blake’ series. But her ‘Merry’ books have never had the same crime/fantasy angle as ‘Anita’, so I don’t really know why Hamilton felt the need to start now in book #8. ‘Merry’ was always the series that explored politics, royal families and despotism. The crime storyline in ‘Divine’ is boring, made more so by the lack of uber-villain Queen Andais.

Queen Andais is to Merry what Belle Morte is to Anita; a seriously delicious, conniving mega-bitch. Hamilton may lag behind in plot and spout tired and trite sentences in her many sex scenes (‘I screamed my orgasm into his mouth’, ‘so tight, so wet’ etc, etc, etc) but she knows how to write a good bad-girl. Queen Andais is Merry’s aunt and reigning Queen of the Unseelie court. She is also a raving lunatic, and sado-masochist. She is an atrocious character; so evil that she’s fun to read – and her absence is keenly felt in ‘Divine Misdemeanors’.

In previous books ‘Merry Gentry’ did a good job of exploring politics through mythological creatures – observing the tyranny of autocratic leaders, and the power plays that go on behind closed doors. It made for fascinating reading. From Merry negotiating a treaty with Kurag, the Goblin King (not David Bowie, unfortunately) to playing humble before her insane aunt, Andais. But all that is missing from ‘Divine’. I really hope that Hamilton turns it all around in book #9, because the crime storyline may sometimes work in Anita’s universe, but it certainly doesn’t in Merry’s. The best part in all of ‘Divine Misdemeanors’ comes when Barinthus (Sidhe politician) gives Merry a dressing-down for refusing to step up and become Queen – that was the only high point in the entire book.

I’m not really all that surprised that the ‘plot’ of ‘Divine Misdemeanors’ was lacking. Tags for Hamilton’s books on Amazon.com are along the lines of ‘erotica without plot’. While that was more the case with her recent ‘Anita’ books, Hamilton’s ‘Merry’ series did have previously interesting plotlines (with heavy does of erotica) but in ‘Divine’ Hamilton falls into the same traps.
It’s actually pretty funny – Hamilton tries to inject her vapid sex scenes with legitimate character discussion, with hilariously bad results. While having sex with Sidhe/Goblin Kitto, he and Merry randomly get onto the topic of her alliance with the Goblin King. As though she realizes that all the sex is getting in the way of storyline, Hamilton tries to negotiate by combining the two.

“But what does all the politics have to do with the oral sex in the privacy of our own bedchamber?”

Exactly.

To be honest, I was halfway through ‘Divine Misdemeanors’ and seriously considering giving the entire series the flick from here on in. Then Hamilton pulled out one line of dialogue that gave me hope that books from here on in will become more interesting.

“Are you all going to be sitting in some rocket-powered car a century from now telling our children about me?”

From book one we’ve known that Merry is mortal (her mother was part human, while her father was Sidhe – Merry is aging at a slow rate, but she will eventually die of old age) while Merry’s men are all immortal. Merry has said in passing on several occasions how sad it is that she will one day die, while her lovers and children will go on without her. I’ve always thought it was odd that Merry has never had a little cry about this fact. She’s just fallen in love with all these Sidhe men, she’s pregnant by six of them and while pregnant with these fey twins she has the knowledge that she won’t be around to watch over them forever, while their fathers will. It’s mentioned a few times in ‘Divine Misdemeanors’ – which leads me to think this will be the focus of book #9. If so, that’s one storyline I would love to read about, so even though number 8 left me cold, I do intend to read book 9.

1.5/5